Ok I realize that last post is a little ironic. I said I would keep writing, and then failed to write for over a month. To be honest, I guess I felt like my little experiement was completed. I wasn't able to stop pulling my eyebrows out. Some of my tools did help me. Stoppulling.com was a great tool that probably would have been more affective if I had the time to really dedicate myself to it. Maybe I'll start using it again over the summer. The n acetyl cysteine pills didn't really seem to work for me. I've been taking them all this time and haven't experienced much of a change. But I know they have helped many other people, so I don't doubt their affectiveness. Using toys to distract my hands always helps. It's just a matter of taking the initiative to actually bandage up your fingers before a homework assignment. Unfortunately, I think that my pulling has gotten worse over the past couple months, but I'm not too concerned about that. It probably has something to do with being a senior worrying about college and AP tests. I wasn't really expecting the ideal result from my blog. I was expecting however, to succeed in my other goals, and I did.
      First I managed to get over 500 page views, meaning that many of you actually took the time to read and learn about trichotillomania. I couldn't be happier about that. Trich isn't well known at all so the more people that understand why some people have to pull out their hair, the better. The other day I overheard two girls talking about how strange someone would look without eyebrows. It sort of bothered me until I heard one girl say that "hey maybe they have that disorder where they have to pull out their eyebrows." It made me smile. Maybe she read part of this blog, or heard about trich from some other source. Either way, the word is getting out.
     Secondly, I have changed drastically since I started this blog. It's amazing what a simple change of hairstyle and a blog can do. Without my bangs I know that everyone can see that my eyebrows are drawn on. Because of my blog, I know that a good portion of my school knows about why I have to do it. Sometimes I feel awkward knowing that it is so clear to everyone, but for the most part I am completely confident. If someone judges me for it, it's their problem rather than mine. I know that sounds a bit cheesy but it's true. I plan on being clear and upfront about my trich with everyone in my dorm when I go to college (University of Denver! Can't wait!). This blog has helped me realize that just telling everyone is the easiest way to go. I'll save myself a lot of stress.
      So although I wish I could have written more posts, I am satisfied with the direction that my blog went. I can't promise I'll keep writing, but maybe I'll pick it back up again in the summer or during college. To any of you who are kind enough to still be reading this last post THANK YOU SO SO MUCH. This blog would have been pointless without you.

Today I have to turn in my "reflection" for my senior project, but I am definitely not going to stop writing in this blog. I'll be honest - I haven't been focusing on my pulling lately as much as I would like. Of course, I'll keep trying, but I think that the main goal of this blog has shifted a bit over the past couple months. Stopping my pulling habit is very very hard. I think I underestimated how much work it would be when I signed on to "make every effort possible" to stop. However, this blog has done much more than influence my pulling. Looking back to the day that I posted my first entry, I was terrified. Nobody outside of my family and closest friends knew about the disorder. It was awkward if anyone asked what I was doing for my senior project. Now if anyone asks, I happily tell them about it, and try to give them as much information as possible. It's as if I have beaten Trichotillomania, because it doesn't suck so much every time I pull out a hair. It's just life. And it's what helped me start this blog. It even gave me my passion about neuroscience. No, it's not a good thing, but it's not so bad after all.  As far as continuing my efforts to stop, I have been taking to NAC pills every night. So far I haven't noticed any change, but who knows. My urges could be much worse without them. I did stoppulling.com for a while, but so far it hasn't helped much simply because I am so busy and often don't have time to plug in the numbers for the day. I'll give it a couple more weeks of effort, but I may give up on that since it is costing me money. I've been trying methods such as clenching my fist every time I want to pull, and distracting my hands. Sometimes, they do work. I'll keep researching some more!

It's a bit late, but I wanted to update this tonight so I will make this entry shorter. Over the weekend I took skiing trip with some friends and family, and paid close attention to my pulling habits when I was in a different environment. I wasn't surprised that I pulled a lot less. This was probably because I was around friends most of the time. I didn't want to pull in front of them, nor did I feel the need to. When I'm not stressed, I generally don't pull. Sometimes when I pull I get confused because I'll say to myself that I'm really not stressed. I don't know why I'm pulling. But I think that when this happens I am more stressed than I think I am. I may be watching a movie, but I'm worried about what I have to do after the movie. So this explains why over my vacation I did end up pulling when the homework came out. At one point I reached up just to feel my eyebrows and was excited to find that they were definitely growing back. An hour later after reading in my English book they were gone. Hey, it's still progress. Tonight I did have an unusual, not so fun urge to pull just one hair from my eyebrow. Anyone with Trich understands the feeling that you just have to get that hair out. It's the most important thing in the world. I probably spent a half an hour trying to get this single hair out, which was of course, frustrating. This rarely happens though, so I'm hoping that writing about it might cause it to happen even less. Here's an updated graph from stoppulling.com. I'm still taking the NAC and I'm going to start trying to find some hand toys to distract myself from pulling soon. Thanks again for reading!

It's a little bit ironic that I am writing in a blog to stop pulling my hair out.This is because the time when I pull the most is when I'm doing homework - especially any homework that involves writing.The minute I stop typing my hand reaches straight to my eyebrows. I guess it's something to make myself feel like I'm being productive while I think. Maybe productive isn't the right word though.
My problem is that my pulling has become a habit more than an anxious behavior. I do it the most when I'm stressed, but a lot of the time that I am pulling it is just because I'm bored. I do it when I wake up, in between homework assignments, and while getting ready for school in the morning. I do it because it just feels good. On bad days it's like scratching an itch. You just have to do it or it will drive you crazy. On better days, not plucking is like resisting a full on back massage. You don't need to do it, but it's definitely hard to say no, especially when you're stressed.
I have managed to say no a couple times in the past few days. It's a triumph when my fingers reach my eyebrows and I manage to pull them away. Even though I currently still don't have eyebrows, I have been successful. They've grow back a little, and then in one episode they disappear. At least they are growing back. This gives me hope that I can let them grow for a little longer in the future, until I can just let them grow forever.
Stoppulling.com has been helping, although I'll admit I've been a little lazy about making sure to record everything. A lot of my statistics are just estimates. Nevertheless, here is the graph they've produced for me for days and amount of hairs pulled.



I'll keep posting updates of this. Hopefully soon the line will reach closer to 0!
I plan on starting to take the NAC today. It should take a couple weeks for me to notice any difference, but I'll be sure to keep you updated!

I'm a little embarrassed about how long it has taken me to write another post. Over the last two weeks I've given myself one excuse for not taking the time to write - and that is finals. During the last week of January I worked hours studying for three days of grueling finals, and to be honest, and I didn't think much about this blog. I didn't even think much about not pulling my hair out. Like I said earlier, what's more important, my physics grade or my hair?

But I could go on forever using this same excuse. Grades are more important than hair. Soon, it'll be my college grades that are more important, my internships, my jobs, or my personal life. Yes, all of these things are significantly more important than hair, but soon I'll have to fess up and actually face the hair problem if I don't want to go the rest of my life without eyebrows.

I also have to realize this blog is not meant just to share my positive experiences. Every time I have a success story to share, I'll share it. But the same goes with the not so successful stories. I'll start with this one. All last week I did think about writing a lot, but I really wanted at least something to say that was positive. I didn't want to this blog to turn into just a girl whining about her problems. I woke up a lot of mornings thinking that I would go the whole day without pulling any hairs, only to forget about that idea the minute an urge to pull came over me. I'll be honest - that's always a let down. But I won't let it stop me from blogging anymore.

I do have some good news. I signed up for stoppulling.com. On the first day, it simply asked me to record any urges I had to pull, and how many hairs I pulled. This seemed a little silly to me, because I can usually remember that kind of stuff. But the second day I got to record that I pulled less than five hairs the entire day. I think that was because I was thinking about what I would have to record later. It's never fun to record that you pulled out 50 hairs in less than five minutes. So there is my success. I'll start the rest of my methods soon!

For anyone reading my blog who didn't know what trich was beforehand, here is an ABC news story that I think sums it up pretty well. There are also some other clips at the bottom of the page.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=McvfMDTIHyY&feature=related

It sounds a little bit silly when I say how glad I am that I still have a full head of hair. I am one of the lucky few with trichotillomania who doesn’t have the urge to pull directly from my scalp. A typical image of a person with trich is a girl wearing a hat or bandana to hide bald spots. Some of them even get asked if they are undergoing cancer treatments. We all know how very fortunate we are to be dealing with trich rather than a life-threatening illness.

Over the past couple of years I’ve come to the realization that it is just hair. Of course trich has caused me a lot of emotional pain, and the embarrassment of having to draw on eyebrows. But sometimes when I really have to concentrate on studying for an important test, or doing a lot of homework I let myself stop concentrating on not pulling. I just let my hands free, and in a half an hour my eyebrows are completely gone. That’s not fun, especially right afterwards when I get to look in the mirror and see all of the progress I’ve made go out the window. But now it’s getting easier for me to remember that at least during that half an hour I got some solid studying in. Really, what’s more important; getting a good grade in AP physics or having some pretty looking hair above your eyes? I think the physics grade will get me further.

Still, I know that it is possible for me to do both. Over the summer I usually grow back most of my eyebrows, mainly because all of the homework is gone. But this year I managed to make it all the way through the month of September without pulling a single hair. So, especially with the help of this project, I know I can do it again and make it last longer.

On Sunday I got my hair cut so that I now have a “side-bang” haircut; one where you can fully see one of my eyebrows. Unfortunately my pulling hasn’t decreased much as a result, but I am happy to report that I don’t feel uncomfortable at all walking around school with my eyebrows in plain sight. If I don’t accomplish anything else over the next two months, I think that would be good enough.

I do have faith that I will stop pulling though. I’ll be signing up for stoppulling.com next, and I think the thought of reporting how much I pull will definitely help.

I did it - I have just pulled out my very last hair. I’ve officially decided that I do not want to allow myself the pleasure of pulling out my eyebrows anymore. I’ll let them grow back, and that will be that.  I wish I could say that the decision I have just made will undoubtedly stick, but unfortunately I have repeated this statement to myself at least once a week for the past nine years.  In fact, in the process of figuring out what to write next, I have just pulled out another hair.

I have a disorder called Trichotillomania (often referred to as trich). The word derives from Greek and Latin; “trich” meaning hair, “till” meaning pulling, and “mania” meaning crazy. But I definitely do not consider myself crazy.  Yes I do pull my eyebrows out, but contrary to what many people may think, it is actually a fairly normal behavior - almost like a more extreme version of biting your fingernails. In the third grade when I first started pulling, I was convinced that I was crazy. The thought that I couldn’t stop (even if I wanted to) terrified me. As a result, I completely denied that I did it. Any recognition from my parents about my eyebrow pulling resulted in a screaming match. I wanted to turn them into the crazy ones. Luckily as I grew older things changed a lot. I started going to TLC’s (Trichotillomania Learning Center) annual conferences and met so many other people like me. Now here I am, a senior in high school, posting my story on the internet for the world to see.

The truth is that I don’t really believe myself anymore when I say that I will stop pulling. Telling myself that I will stop turns the negative experience of pulling yet another hair out, into a positive one. If I truly wanted to make myself stop I would have to do something much more than simply slapping myself on the wrist and asking my fingers not to touch my eyebrows again. I have to work for it.

Now, I am ready to do just that. Not only am I sick of drawing my eyebrows on every morning, and relentlessly trying to hide them every day, but I often get so set on getting a single hair out that I cannot concentrate on school work, and it sucks a lot of time out of my day. There is no official cure for Trichotillomania, only methods that have helped some people stop pulling.  This brings me to the purpose of this blog: over the next two months, I plan to do everything possible to make myself stop pulling my hair out.

I’ve compiled a list of methods I have learned at the TLC conferences that have helped some people to stop, as well as some other things that I think could help.  I will start by using a couple of these methods, and then adding or taking away some depending on what I think is working. I’ll simply be writing about my experiences in this blog, and hopefully in the end I’ll be able to report at least some success!

My list:

1)   I will sign up for www.stoppulling.com. This is an interactive behavioral program that helps people with trich identify what situations induce their pulling, and how they can stop.

2)   I will be using toys to distract my hands from moving up to my eyebrows. These are usually things like rubber balls or rings. Keeping them near my desk will help stop me from pulling while doing homework.

3)   I’ll start taking N-Acetyl Cysteine pills. This is an amino acid that has proven to help with some people’s pulling conditions.

4)   Starting tomorrow, I will start growing out my bangs. I have been using these for the past two years to cover up my lack of eyebrows. I’m hoping that the thought of not having anything to hide them might dissuade me from pulling.

As I do more research I am sure that I will find more methods that I will apply to my project.

        This blog will be a part of my “senior project”, a big project that each senior in my high school is required to complete before they graduate.  I am hoping to help raise awareness within my community about Trichotillomania by publicizing this blog. I am also hoping that other people who have Trich will read this blog, and use it to help them with their pulling.      

It should also be said that my two-month project will not be a controlled experiment. By the end, I won’t be able to report which method worked the best, or which did not, because I will be using each method at the same time as others.  My main goal is simply to say whether or not I was successful, and explain how it went along the way.

I will start using the first of my methods tomorrow. Wish me luck!